By the time they reach their young adult years, this early exposure often manifests as a challenge in effectively managing and expressing their emotions. An adult child of an alcoholic may face challenges in forging and maintaining healthy relationships. Their relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or professional, often bear the marks of their traumatic upbringing. Instead of being cared for, they must become the caretakers of the addicted adult/s. They do not have a positive example or the guidance they need to learn how to build healthy relationships, properly take care of themselves, or get a solid emotional beginning in life. These effects can last long into adulthood and make it difficult for adult children to have healthy relationships.
SMART Recovery and the 4-Point Program
However, these coping mechanisms may no longer be adaptive or healthy in adulthood. For adult children of alcoholics, breaking the cycle of dysfunctional patterns and behaviors is essential for personal growth and well-being. It requires conscious effort, self-reflection, and a commitment to healing. In this section, we will explore several steps that can help in breaking the cycle and moving towards a healthier and more fulfilling adult children of alcoholics life. At Anabranch, we understand the long-term effects alcoholism can have on all members of a family.
- Yet while your parent didn’t choose to have AUD, their alcohol use can still affect you, particularly if they never get support or treatment.
- And even when you do start to rely on others, it’s very common for ACoAs to fear abandonment.7 The volatility of your childhood makes it difficult to believe that love can be consistent.
- They may have a strong desire to please others and find it difficult to set boundaries in relationships.
- Therapy can also play a significant role in identifying and developing healthy coping mechanisms.
Steps to Overcome the Challenges of Being an ACOA
Your parent’s mood and behavior fluctuated unpredictably depending on their intoxication or withdrawal state, creating an unstable and often frightening environment. It’s hard to predict your parents’ next move and you never really know if your needs are going to be met or ignored. To ensure their own safety or to maintain a semblance of peace, they might suppress their true feelings, needs, or opinions. In households plagued by alcohol abuse, unpredictability is frequently a constant.
They may go to great lengths to avoid conflict and seek approval from others. This behavior stems from a fear of rejection or abandonment, which may have been ingrained during their childhood. People-pleasing can result in self-neglect and an inability to prioritize their own needs.
Common Traits of ACoAs
- For many ACoAs, these scars translate into feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy.
- Going to rehab can help you resolve the trauma of your childhood, manage resulting mental health conditions, treat your addiction, and learn positive coping skills.
- And feeling this way can lead to a dysfunctional sense of responsibility.
- They may go to great lengths to avoid conflict and seek approval from others.
- It addresses the specific behaviors and patterns developed as a child in an alcoholic family environment.
Because the message of ACA isn’t just in our books – it’s in the way we serve action coming from love, the stories we share, and the trust we build together. As we look ahead, our goal is to keep building bridges – not just across languages, but across relationships. That means listening more closely to groups, supporting our groups, and strengthening the connection between WSO and the broader fellowship. Talking with others who have similar lived experiences can often be helpful. Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist/author specializing in addictions, codependency, and underlying issues such as depression, trauma, and anxiety. Having a parent with AUD doesn’t automatically mean you’ll develop the condition yourself.
Establishing boundaries is crucial in breaking the cycle of dysfunction. It involves clearly defining what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in relationships and asserting one’s needs and limits. Setting boundaries helps to protect one’s emotional well-being and maintain healthy relationships. In an effort to prove their worth and gain a sense of control, ACoAs often engage in overachievement and workaholism. They may strive for perfection in various aspects of their lives, such as academics, career, or personal achievements. This constant drive for success can be an attempt to fill the emotional void left by their upbringing and can lead to burnout and neglect of other important areas of life.
The group’s ultimate goal is to identify what’s positive and healthy to help reconstruct adult lives but not replace substance use treatment programs. As an adult child of an alcoholic, you were treated in ways that reflect the chaotic and unpredictable nature of your parent’s addiction. This treatment varies based on your parent’s emotional state, level of intoxication, and patterns of behavior. Or you may have witnessed them become extremely emotionally volatile while drinking.
This behavior stems from a fear of confrontation, which may have been a prominent feature of their childhood. They may suppress their own needs and emotions to maintain harmony in relationships, even at the expense of their own well-being. Avoidance of conflict can hinder effective communication and prevent the resolution of underlying issues. To cope with the chaos and unpredictability of alcoholism, ACOAs may develop perfectionistic tendencies and a need for control.
Personalized Programs Designed to Fit Your Recovery Needs.
Memories of neglect, the emotional unavailability of a parent, or the pain of witnessing a loved one consistently absent are not easily forgotten. The full list of characteristics can be found in the Laundry List, the 14 common traits of adult children, which was written by the ACA founder Tony A. This is a huge lesson for many—for better or worse, addiction is outside of friends’ and family members’ control.
Unfortunately, and for obvious reasons, children often don’t have access to these support groups while they’re still young. A mental health professional can help you work through your past traumas and experiences and address how these have affected you as an adult. They can recommend strategies to help you cope with emotional challenges and build healthier relationships. In addition to the higher rate of selecting an alcoholic partner, ACOAs are also more likely to experience the symptoms of trauma.
And they can show themselves the love, patience and respect they deserve. If you’re an adult child and lived with a parent with alcohol use disorder, there are ways to manage any negative effects you’re experiencing. Although people with AUD aren’t “bad” people (or “bad” parents), their alcohol use can create a home environment not suited for a child. A 2021 study shows that parental alcohol abuse significantly increases the chance of having a dysfunctional family environment. Having a parent with alcohol use disorder as a child can have negative effects, such as your own issues with alcohol as an adult — but that’s not always the case. The statistics provided by multiple sources further break this down to about 76 million adults in the country who have lived or are currently living with a family history of alcoholism.
It is important to approach these individuals with empathy, patience, and support. Seeking therapy or joining support groups specifically designed for ACOAs can provide additional guidance and tools for healing and growth. Growing up in an alcoholic environment often leads to a deep-rooted fear of abandonment in ACOAs. They may have experienced neglect or emotional absence from their alcoholic parent, leading to a fear of being left alone or rejected. This fear can manifest in their adult relationships, causing them to feel anxious or insecure.
Trust issues, fear of abandonment, and impaired emotional expression can make it difficult for them to form and maintain healthy, intimate connections. They may struggle with vulnerability and may unintentionally push others away as a form of self-protection. By acknowledging your experiences, seeking support, and nurturing healthier patterns, you can break free from the shadows of your upbringing.
Your parent(s) prioritized alcohol over your emotional, physical, or developmental needs. We believe everyone deserves access to accurate, unbiased information about mental health and recovery. That’s why we have a comprehensive set of treatment providers and don’t charge for inclusion. We do not and have never accepted fees for referring someone to a particular center. Providers who advertise with us must be verified by our Research Team and we clearly mark their status as advertisers. “Emotional sobriety,”22 a term first coined by AA founder Bill Wilson, is what people in recovery gain once they learn to regulate their emotions.
As a result, developed survival mechanisms, such as hyper-responsibility, people-pleasing, or emotional suppression, to cope with the chaos that was often very unpredictable. Unfortunately, your childhood experiences impacted your self-esteem, trust in others, and ability to set healthy boundaries. If you are an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACoA) then you most likely grew up in a household where one or both of your parents struggled with alcohol abuse or addiction. You may have experienced lasting emotional, behavioral, psychological, and relational effects due to the instability, neglect, chaos, or dysfunction that is all too common. Behavioral therapies are another option for ACoAs.23 Treatments like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you learn new ways to resolve conflict, communicate your needs, and cope with stress.